Thursday, June 1, 2017

Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's the late nights on graveyard shift when nothing is going on. The lonely and long nights watching over this town.

Heard you moved back to the area. Found myself reading old emails and old messages after stumbling on them. Hard to believe a friendship and brotherhood spanning more than 10 years could fall apart so quickly.

Like I've said more than once, I'm sorry for my part in that. So very sorry.

It's been almost 3 years since we actually spoke. A lot has changed, for both of us.

I wish you would reach out. I still think, after all this time, that the damage could be repaired. I still pray (with what faith I even have anymore) for some kind of brotherly reconciliation.

I wish I could give you a call and fill you in on so many things.

I wish you would give me a call and fill me in on so many things, rather than hearing bits and pieces from others even when I do not ask. We live in a small world, and smaller still is the community we're both in because of the careers we chose.

I wish you would give me the chance to apologize. To you and your wife.

I wish you would give our friendship a chance again. We've both gone through some deep and dark times in our journeys. Times we chose to hurt those around us. Times we are not proud of and work hard to learn from and never return to. You've changed tremendously. So have I. I feel, of all people in this world, you could understand how far a person can change. How far a person can fall, and learn from those mistakes, and become a greater man. I watched you grow so much from who you were. I have tried and continue to try and do the same.

I wish we could compare notes on those changes we have gone through. I wish we could encourage each other. Iron sharpens iron. Brothers fight and argue.

I wish I could change the past. But I cannot.

So I wish for healing, forgiveness, and for my friend back.

I wish you would read this.

But most of all, I wish your life to be fulfilling. For you and your wife to be happy and full of love, and for you to continue to thrive.

Be well brother.

As always. If you feel even a modicum of the same, you know how to reach me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


I'm sorry.
I wrote you letters, saying I was sorry for my part in everything. Please know, my intention was not to get involved in your marriage. I was hurt, scared, angry, and in a dark place (that I made myself), and I was lashing out without any real thought to consequence. I'm sorry for the things I said and the things I did.

Please know that I have done my level best to not be who I was during that time in my life. I was selfish and regardless of what was going on, regardless of how toxic my marriage had become, I did not handle myself well and I let the darkness swallow me whole. I gave in to it and I became something I hated.

I am not that person anymore. Who I am hates who I was...and I know I'll always carry who I was during that time as a part of me, but it is not who I am. I know that you know this-we are not who we were when we were at our lowest. You've changed, and I've changed.

I still hear things. I hear you moved up in your career again. I hear you made Airborne. I hear you and your wife are doing well. I'm happy for you. You've come so far from that kid I knew when we were both kids. It sounds like you've really dug into your potential and are excelling.

I also have dug into my potential and continue to do so. I constantly gauge my actions, thoughts, and intentions against those I held during that dark time, and I work hard to make sure that I never go down any roads similar to those when I gave up my integrity. Integrity and honor are hard things to earn and easy to lose, and I lost them both three years ago. But I have been fighting and working hard to regain both ever since...and I believe I have. I apologized to my ex-wife, and we have had a few hard but civil conversations since. I was able to clear my name from the false accusations of 2010. I went back in LE and have a reputation (that continues to grow) as a solid, professional cop of integrity. Regardless of what you heard, I started a new relationship AFTER my divorce. And in that relationship, I have worked hard every day to not be the selfish asshole I was in my last. Through my failures as a husband in my previous marriage, I learned how to be a better partner, and someday, a better husband than I ever was.
Anyway....I doubt you'll ever even read this, but I needed to write it anyway. Even if it's just for me. I know that where we left things off...both of us said we never wanted to hear from the other again. Just know...I would listen if you wanted to talk. You have my number.
I wish you well, brother.